The First Personal Post. (sorry)

I may take a post every now and then to not really necessarily talk about Africa, but share just some things that I have learned about myself, about others. Today I finished reading Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers.

Yes, I know many of you women out there might be shocked with the fact that I have not read the book. It seemed like it was the book of the season a few years ago. Maybe that is why I avoided picking it up, but I must say, the book has been haunting me and following me for years..here is the story below:

Back in College, all of my friends were reading it and telling me that I needed to read it, I just brushed it off and continued to read whatever book I was reading. When I worked up at Hume Lake all of my friends were freaking out when they heard I had not read the book. I think even one of them gave me a copy of the book to read, but sadly I just stacked it up with all of my other books and carried on with life. That following Christmas I was digging into my stocking and sure enough, there was Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. At this point I was kind of put off with it because everyone who attended church had read the novel, and I was again just put off by it. I just thanked my mom and began munching on my candy bar and continued on celebrating the birth of Christ.

Now flash forward about two years later, which is current time, in the SIL compound in Yaoundé. In the SIL compound they have this magical place called “the book room.” In the book room it is a room full of books from people who no longer had room to pack them back in their suitcase. The room is completely full with books ranging from classics to cookbooks. We were lucky enough to go to the book room and collect books to bring back with us to Bamenda.

Guess what book was sitting on a desk all alone…..yep, you guessed it. On the desk was a much worn out copy of Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. Of course Karen, Katelyn, and Kathleen were all shocked when they heard I never had read it before, so they piled it on top of my pile of books. When we got to Bamenda I really did not know what book to start with, but there it was, the worn out book just sitting on top so I grabbed it and began to read.

One thing that was kind of eerie is that the main character, although goes by the name of Angel, her true given birth name is Sarah. The further I read the more similarities I found I shared with Sarah. No, I am not a prostitute, nor do I ever, ever, EVER plan on being one; but the similarities with the way she thought of herself. Throughout the whole entire book she feels unworthy to be in the presence of Michael, her husband. She continues to run away and to sabotage the only healthy relationship that she has ever had. She thought very lowly of herself, and allowed the guilt of her past and her sin to weigh her down. She did not allow the Lord to take the luggage she was lugging around. I have realized I have done the same thing.

My luggage that I am currently carrying I will not go into full details because it is very deep and personal, but I have been lugging around some luggage since the age of five. It is honestly the size of a whale or a large yacht at this moment, but that fact is I have let some things overcome me. I have not allowed God to heal me and I have been carrying the weight all myself. I have put up large walls with people so that I do not get hurt, or damaged. All that has ever done in my life is separate me from people who could really assist me, or pray for me.

Through this book I have even realized that I have walls built up even with my family members. To avoid feeling emotion I hide my true emotions and I sometimes lash out at them, I shut down and put myself in a corner where no one can really get to me. I put up a fake smile when asked if I am okay and I reply with “I am fine!” This I must say, does not work over here in Africa…Chris and Karen have called me out whenever I create a fake reply and make me talk about what is going on…even thought I HATE IT. But through all of this and through reading the book, I have learned that I have been carrying these yucky bags of luggage for years and years, and I am realizing slowly that they need to go.

Even with relationships that I have had in the past with guys. I pursue relationships that are unhealthy and unbalanced. I enjoy putting myself in bad, unhealthy situations. I guess it is what I thought I deserved. Why should I deserve a man who truly cares about me? Why? I am a terrible person who deserves nothing. I deserve to be alone and forever alone. I have had this mindset for years. Before I moved to Africa, God put someone unlike anyone else in my life. What did I do? I ran, I destroyed, and I fled and never looked back. I continued asking why? Why would they waste their time, I am the dirt of the earth. But they just shared words of encouragement to me, and continued to bring up the love of Christ. I continued to do what I do best and ran away. I left.

Today after reading this book, I feel like a truck has just knocked me over. Reading the book and the story of Sarah, so many of the thoughts she felt, and the things she said I have said, I have thought. True, I am different then the character of Sarah because I already have a faith, but I have been for years carrying my baggage. I am a fool, because all along I have known that I have to give it all to God..but for some reason the unhealthy mindset became my security blanket. I have allowed sin to enter and plague my mind. I am sick of it. I am done with pulling this unnecessary weight. I know that it is going to take me a while to heal and deal with all of the emotions I have shoved aside. But today I am sharing this all with you to let you know, that I am giving my load of baggage to God.

The fact is I am beautiful. I have been formed together by God. I am a follower of Christ and I daily try to live by the Word, and I let the Word dwell in my heart. I do not deserve to be with a man who does not care about me, I do not deserve a man who can only give me half of their heart and half of their time. I am a beautiful woman who deserves a man to be the leader. I need a man who not only loves me, but loves Christ and who is willing to have the relationship reflect Christ. I am sick of being used, I am sick of feeling sad, alone, and broken. God created me, no matter what has happened to me, and what I have done to myself. I am a beautiful woman who is allowing God to heal her.

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank you for creating me. I thank you for always showing me love. I thank you that no matter what has happened to me, you have always been by my side and you have always been standing in front of me with your arms wide open. I pray that you help me Lord; you help me as I enter into this time of healing and facing the things that I have not wanted to face for years. I pray that you will continue to reveal to me your love and that you would direct me where you want me to go with my life. I pray that whoever you have for me in my future, I pray for him and his faith as well. I pray that you would continue to draw him closer to you and ready him for me. I thank you for your redeeming love, and I thank you that you can heal me and save me. ALL MY PRAISE BELONGS TO YOU.