"Taking Faith back from the American Dream."

Today I take this Sunday post to confess and to cry out to God. I have officially been living in Africa for twenty days. These twenty days have seemed like a life time, but yet at the same time it has flown by (as conflicting as this statement sounds.)

These twenty days have overall been some tough days. I think I have had more exhausting sad days then good days. I appear from the outside to be strong and doing well, but on the inside I have been a mess. My mind and soul have been crying from the inside. I have been having a difficult time dealing with living in this completely different way of life. Everything that has been deemed as the “normal” way of living has been turned completely upside down.

Every day in the States, I would wake up, wash my face, take a long hot inviting shower, straighten or curl my hair, put on a cute expensive outfit, and start off my day. I felt confident, strong, and at times I even felt beautiful. I would go to the store and buy my own super healthy food and go to the gym every day. I was living the normal way of life in the States, (A good one at that.) I worked at a Cupcake store in Los Angeles….so many people all over the States and even all around the world have dreamed to live a life in Los Angeles. I was just one of the lucky privileged people for some reason to be able to experience what so many people dream about, okay maybe not having the dream of working at a cupcake store, but I have one point being able to live in Los Angeles!

As many of you have already heard my story, I felt that this way of life was empty; I realized that this was not enough. I was a Christian who allowed my comforts be the main priority in my life. When I would get into sticky situations I would complain and ask God why I was thrown into this situation, I did not understand. I did not deserve to be thrown into this financial crisis, or this friend situation. I was a hard worker, I went to Church, and I read my Bible…why was I being challenged like this?

Today, I look back at my life that I had in the States, and I feel so ashamed to think that I did not deserve to be thrown into certain situations.  

This way of life that I described above has been my normal way of life since graduating college. I knew that God always had a calling for me, I never really knew what he wanted me to do with my life, but I knew that he always had big plans for me. I realized that the reason I knew God had plans for me, but nothing was happening in my life. It was because I allowed my fear of setting aside my comforts for God be the factor. ­­After realizing this I cried out to God to take my life, to take it and reveal to me HIS plan for my life. It was a short matter of time when God brought the opportunity to live in Africa. I was so hesitant at first, but flash forward five months, and here I am sitting and typing out this blog post in Africa. It is crazy how God works. When he has a plan, he makes it happen. I was amazed to see how fast this all came together. I continued to read my Bible and keep focused on the fact that this life is not about me, it is all about HIM. I have been brought to this earth not to be selfish and do what I want to do. I have been brought to this world to bring glory and honor to God. I have been brought to this world to share the love of Christ to others…that means that there are no lines and barriers drawn as to where I will bring Glory and Honor.

Since I have moved here to Africa, I have allowed that mindset to slip. I have been focused on my comforts and I have been so focused on recreating that way of life that I had in the States over here in Africa. Once again, I have been so focused on myself, and getting myself acclimated, that I have allowed the real and true reason why I am here to fall away.

This morning I was reading my Bible, attempting to find some scripture that would put my soul at rest. Once again I was looking for something to calm my soul and my mind….I continued to read, feeling overall unsatisfied for not being able to find any scripture to satisfy My soul. I ended up feeling frustrated, so I picked up Radical by David Platt. Pastor Scott Gallagher loaned me the book for this whole entire process. He encouraged me to read it. Read it I did. Back in the States I read the book pretty much in a matter of a plane flight. Everything about this book hit my soul; it challenged me and the ways that I have thought about life all together. I picked it up again this morning, hoping to find the passion that I had back in the States about being here in Africa. I opened to a random chapter, which happened to be chapter four, titled “The Great Why of God: God’s Global purpose from the beginning till today.” I began to read the chapter, when I came to this passage:

“We will be tempted to adopt Spiritual smoke screens and embrace National comforts that excuse us from the Global plan of Christ. And in the process we find ourselves settling for a lesser plan that the culture around us- and even the church around us deems as more admirable, more manageable, and more comfortable” (Platt 72).

I have allowed this mindset to control me once again. Here I move to Africa, ready to put my comforts aside and focus on spreading the Gospel to those here in Africa who have never been able to actually read the Bible in their own native language. They have been forced to read the Bible in a language they do not understand, or hear about the bible from those who are able vocally to share. I have had this amazing opportunity to carry this project out, and here here I am currently crying because I miss my way of life in the States. I just wrote to my mom last night saying “I miss my clothes, I miss driving, I miss buying my own food, I miss everything about my life in the States. I miss seeing friends every day, I miss having a phone to call anybody at anytime. ”

Can somebody please hit me over the head with a bat? For the past twenty days I have been mourning over my comforts, I have been crying because I do not have my full wardrobe. I have been upset because I feel so ugly over here in Africa. I was upset all day yesterday because I missed walking out and feeling confident, I missed feeling pretty. I woke up yesterday with a mosquito bite on my face, and because of the humidity my face has broken out, and no matter how much makeup I plaster on, I still feel like a sweaty, ugly mess. That has been controlling my mind for the last twenty days….again, can someone please hit me over the head with a bat?  

I have allowed my comforts, and my normal way of life take full control of my thoughts.

“The message of Biblical Christianity is not ‘God loves me, period,’ as if we were the object of our own faith. The message of Biblical Christianity is ‘God loves me so that I might make him-his ways, his salvation, his glory, and his greatness known among ALL nations” (Platt 76).

“A majority of individuals supposedly saved from eternal damnation by the gospel are now sitting back and making excuses for not sharing that gospel with the rest of the world” (Platt 75).  

This morning I was seeking out to read something that would calm my spirits, what did I end up reading? Something that convicted me. For the last twenty days I have been mourning over the fact that I cannot wear my expensive leather jacket, I have been crying because I have not been able to straighten my hair, I have been upset because I have not been able to get in my car, blast Bon Iver and just drive until my heart is content. I have been crying over silly things that really are meaningless. I have allowed the material items control my life, I have almost in some sense, allowed material items become idols in my life. I have allowed them to become the things I turn to to feel pretty, to feel safe. I have allowed them to be the things I turn to in times of trouble and self glorification, instead of turning to the CREATOR of the world, Christ. This makes me so sad to think that I have allowed culture and my comforts become the importance in my life.

This made me come to the book of Ecclesiastes. It is a very interesting book, because when we look at it, Solomon is very much living the “American Dream.” He lived in a massive house, had people cleaning up after him, he had everything that the American Dream stands for. And what did he realize? All is meaningless.

“I even found great pleasure in hard work, an additional reward for all my labors. But as I looked at everything I had worked so hard to accomplish, it was all so meaningless. It was like chasing the wind. There was nothing really worthwhile anywhere” (Ecclesiastes 2: 11).  

The comforts that I have put as a high level of importance are meaningless. When my soul leaves this earth and stands before the Lord Jesus Christ, what am I going to say, “Lord, can I go back to get my straightner and my makeup? I am going to have a tough time being here in Heaven without those things, because I need to look my best ALL THE TIME.”

NO.  Again, somebody please smack me.

When I get to the Lord, I am going to drop to my feet, honoring his name. I want the Lord to tell me that I have done well, that I have lived my life one hundred percent for HIM, and NOT for myself.

The truth of the matter is, I am not going to be in Heaven living life the American way, I am going to be living life GOD’S way. And do you know that will look like? Praising HIM..Glorifying HIM for eternity. It has nothing to do with US. It has nothing to do with ME. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY STUPID MAKEUP. My heart truly feels so convicted and saddened that I have allowed this to be the main thing I have really been focusing on over here in Africa.

I know that yes I am still in the middle of culture shock, but honestly I feel that this has become an excuse. I have allowed this to be deemed okay because I am in the middle of culture shock. But this is not okay. I am mourning over what I did have..in the material world.

I feel so silly, and very stupid at this moment.

So, I leave you with this:  

“O Lord, I have longed for your salvation,

And your law is my delight.

Let me live so I can praise you,

And may your laws sustain me.

I have wandered away like a lost sheep;

Come and find me,

For I have not forgotten your commands”

(Pslam 119: 174-176).

Lord, forgive me. Please. I am so sorry for putting the things of the earth before you. I pray Lord that I would look up to you through this time of culture shock. That you would continue to convict me of the ways and the mindsets that I have allowed to poison my mind; Lord I am sick of carrying myself and putting myself and my comforts in front of others. I LOVE YOU LORD and I lift my voice, to WORSHIP YOU, oh my soul rejoice. Take joy my King in what you hear, may it be a sweet, sweet song, in your ear! Lord I pray that you continue to convict me, and to continue making me your loyal servant. I love you Lord with all my heart. I come with a heart of Thanksgiving that you continue to convict me and sculpt me into the disciple that you want me to be.