Letting you go.

This week marks the two month mark in Africa. If there have been any themes I would have to say rain, rain, rain, oh and more rain. I think it has rained almost every day for the two months that I have been here. Luckily I am one of those freaks who strive to live in a town with never ending rain, so this has been heaven to me. I feel like the rain allows me to be all sentimental and reflective on my life. I think back on all the people who I love, all the places I have visited, all the memories that I will carry with me forever. Rain to me is the time to just sit by yourself and have a conversation with God, or with yourself. (Can you tell I am quite the introvert?) Trust me, I get all my work done, but I find that when I am complete with the day of work, I like to just cuddle up somewhere and write all my praises, prayers, and thoughts down. Today is a day when I share everything out and open. When living in LA I enjoyed jamming my life away with work and social events. The reason for this was because I very much wanted to avoid thinking. Many times when we are alone we like to dwell on the past and think about all the good times. I, not wanting to think about any of that always made sure to keep myself busy. Being here in Africa, I have found a lot of time to myself. And what have I done? I have been thinking about all the people in my life, about all the good and the bad times. It has really been difficult for me to face a lot of these emotions that I shoved off in the corners of my brain and in my heart, but I have to say…the more I am facing a lot of these emotions and “feelings” the stronger I feel.

Africa has been no cake walk, but I have to say that so many things that would have gotten me down or irritated me in the States do not really get to me anymore. I have really had a lot of time to be alone with God, I have had a lot of time to look things over, and figure things out. I have been battling with heart ache, and allowing it to take its course. (Perfect timing to get your heart broken right before you leave the country…) But I have to say, it is amazing to see that God really does have perfect timing. I have been so thankful that he really has given me the gift of time over here, the gift of reflection, the gift of feeling things that I have done away with for so long. God has really been making me vulnerable, and open. I usually share things with people I feel comfortable with, but really being here I feel so open and willing to talk about anything that I am going through..which really is a good thing considering I have been sweeping so many events in my life under the rug for so long. I do hope to one day share my testimony with all of you, I do not think I am ready to talk about it just yet, but I truly feel like God has put me in so many different situations to use my story to reach out to others. My life may appear to be a simple one, a girl who grew up in a God loving family in the beautiful Grass Valley, California. But as all of you know, we ALL have our problems, and we have all allowed sin and situations to overpower us. I am a sinner who continuously seeks and cries out to God for repentance and for forgiveness. Without my Savior Jesus Christ, I am a human who deserves nothing but the pit of hell. But because God allowed His ONE and ONLY son to die on the cross for OUR sins, we have a chance to be with God and worship Him for eternity. We can cry out to God and ask forgiveness for the sin that Jesus died for. I am going to worship in the house of the Lord forever because I have been set free from all of my sins and all that ugliness. Praise the Lord for what he has done for us! Praise the Lord for freedom of sin! Praise the Lord for his NEVER ENDING love and DEDICATION!

I know Lord that these things that have happened to me have all been the road that you have allowed to happen to me. I have drawn closer to you because you have broken down my walls Lord; you have broken down my resistance. Lord I love you so much, and I thank you so much that you have always loved me Lord, and I thank you Lord that you have forever been a wing of protection for me. You are all I need in this life Lord. You are all I need.

Sorry for going off for a second. But really, this has been such an amazing journey. Africa has been a place where God has challenged me in every possible way. I have been gifted with some amazing people here, and they have all been such a major support (many of them have no idea!). God has really been forming me into the woman that he wants me to be. I know that this journey over here is just the beginning. I no longer desire to live a life that is selfish, I desire to live a life that is one for God! I am done with living a life of sorrow and sadness. I am done allowing sin and situations to tower over me and control me. The Lord Jesus loves me, he loves all of us. We do not deserve it, but he is continuously seeking us. I am tearing up right now even thinking about how much he loves us. We do not deserve any of it, but he gives it to us.

Yes, I may wake up in a sour mood over here, I may get all sad and cry over my broken heart, but the fact is…God has given me a story, a story to share with others who may have been trapped in similar things that through the grace of God I am slowly learning to face and let go. I pray that as I one day share my story, that he would use the story to help others, that it would be used as a tool to possibly lead others to Christ. I pray that the Lord would give me the correct words as I write my story. Thank you God for always loving me, thank you God for leading me here to Cameroon Africa.

This concludes my jumbled blog that probably makes no sense to anyone..well anyone but maybe to my mom. (Hi mom! I love you!)

Anyways, I wish you all a wonderful day.

I send the cold weather and rain over to you! (So that you can be reflective as well :))